I like to ask my clients in couples counseling: What is marriage? What is the purpose of marriage? What does marriage mean to you?

I want to take a stab at answering that myself.

From a psycho-therapist’s point of view (mine), marriage means a commitment of two people to love, honor, and cherish each other for a lifetime. Within and through those commitments, people grow more fully into ‘differentiated Selves’: Selves capable of empathy and compassion for each other; Selves autonomous from each other; Selves capable of giving safety, comfort, and validation, to each other; Selves in ‘effective dependence’ on each other.

Relationships go through stages of brokenness and rebuilding, crisis and development. During infancy, childhood, and adolescence, the Self develops through crisis and resolution of crisis, in relationship with primary care givers, siblings, teachers, and peers. The Self continues to develop through crisis and resolution during our maturity in relationship with intimate loved ones. Often, we reenact brokenness and failures of our developmental tasks of childhood in our relationships. As a couples therapist, I work to help couples get unstuck from old patterns and develop new potentialities for relationship and independence in their growth and development process.

As a pastoral counselor within a Christian tradition, I recognize the sacramental nature of marriage, something that leads to a deeper experience of the presence and grace of God. From this point of view, I believe that marriage leads to love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. I also believe that growth as Selves and neighbors (partners, community) is part of the nature of God’s creation.

As a pastoral counselor, I am committed to, and love to, work with couples and help them grow into the people and the family they are capable of becoming. It feels much like a farmer preparing the soil and watching the miracle of life and growth take hold.