Category Archives: Marriage

Reflections and meditations on marriage and romantic commitment

Marriage, Spirituality

Gender Roles in Marriage

I’m always delighted when I run across something that leads me to alter or deepen my views and understanding. I’ve found that in reading Marriage at the Crossroads by William & Aida Spencer and Steve & Celestia Tracy. The book is structured as a conversation between two couples, both Evangelical, both where at least one partner is a Seminary professor, but they have different theological understandings of the meaning of marriage. In the jargon, the discussion is between the’Egalitarian’ view that holds that men and women are equal and the same in all matters related to family and ministry and the ‘Complementarian’ view that holds that men and women are equal but different in matters of family roles and ministry.

Steve & Celestia Tracy deal with the ‘hard texts’ of I Corithians 11:3

But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (NIV)

and Ephesians 5:21-33 which deals with the whole issue of submission to each other and to Christ.

I used to subscribe to the Egalitarian view, but I am drawn to that view which challenges me to do better. Steve & Celestia Tracy challenge me in that way. If I claim my male headship in my marriage, it is less claiming a role of authority and more emulating the Godhead’s example of headship through initiation of love, and honoring and empowering.

Initiation of love involves proactively engaging my spouse’s concerns and challenges, being intentional and spontaneous in care and affection, actively engaging the whole family, not passively delegating child-rearing and household concerns to my wife.

Honoring and empowering involves recognizing our spouse as a unique creation of God, with unique gifts and a unique calling to ministry. It is our job to uplift, honor, support, and encourage her in her growth in God as an individual and in her calling to ministry, whatever in may be.

I don’t think I even need to deal with the issue of my partner’s submission. I’m plenty busy enough trying to take care of my own submission.

Marriage

Wrong Reasons for Marriage

Listening to an NPR report

Unmarried With Kids: A Shift In The Working Class

I listened to stories of couples with kids saying things like,

“What’s important is “having your life the way you want it, your lifestyle in place. Getting married is really the cherry on top.” or “[Someday] I want to have that beautiful gown, and all the family, and toasts with champagne,”

I gather from listening to these couples that they think marriage is a ceremony or a lifestyle accessory.

I think we, as a culture, are letting these people down if that is what we are teaching them.

I come from a religious tradition that believes that marriage is a sacrament, a direct experience of God’s love and grace through real experience. Marriage, as a sacrament, is an experience and participation in the love of God. My church teaches that the sacrament actually happens when two people make a lifelong and loving commitment to each other, not in the wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremony is the occasion when they make their commitment public, and the community celebrates and commits to support them in their relationship.

I wish that young woman would be moved to say instead:

“I want to be married, to have made that declaration of love and commitment, to commit lifelong support to my partner’s growth, and to have the assurance of that commitment to me. I want to know I have the love and support of my family and community in creating this family.”

Isn’t that better than a fairy princess wedding? Why aren’t we teaching this about marriage?

Marriage

Intentional marriage is hard scary work

“I’d pay not to go!”

I share that response with permission from the speaker. That response came during a clergy consultation group after I suggested the idea of a marriage weekend retreat for clergy. The idea spending focused intentional time, exploring and talking about our relationships repels us.

I don’t find their response surprising. David Scnarch in  Constructing the Sexual Crucible, argues that most people can’t tolerate very much intimacy. From my personal experience, I recognize my reluctance to look seriously at how I relate to my wife. I know when I honestly look at myself, I have to look at those things I do that have and do cause disappointment, hurt, and disconnection. I need to recognize her hurt and loneliness.  I have to face and acknowledge my shame and my loneliness.  I need to seek forgiveness and work towards reconciliation and reconnection. And when I do, I find great relief and great joy; incomprehensible joy and gratitude for her gift of love and connection.

In couples’ therapy, I work  to help couples restore their connections of love and affection so they too may find their experiences of joy and gratitude.

I wish we all were less like my clergy friends. I wish we were less fearful of intimacy. Don’t be afraid. Seek out a marriage enrichment group. Seek out a good couples’ therapist. Start a couples’ discussion group. Read a relationship book and share it with your partner (suggestion: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson).

.

Marriage

Meaning of Marriage

I like to ask my clients in couples counseling: What is marriage? What is the purpose of marriage? What does marriage mean to you?

I want to take a stab at answering that myself.

From a psycho-therapist’s point of view (mine), marriage means a commitment of two people to love, honor, and cherish each other for a lifetime. Within and through those commitments, people grow more fully into ‘differentiated Selves’: Selves capable of empathy and compassion for each other; Selves autonomous from each other; Selves capable of giving safety, comfort, and validation, to each other; Selves in ‘effective dependence’ on each other.

Relationships go through stages of brokenness and rebuilding, crisis and development. During infancy, childhood, and adolescence, the Self develops through crisis and resolution of crisis, in relationship with primary care givers, siblings, teachers, and peers. The Self continues to develop through crisis and resolution during our maturity in relationship with intimate loved ones. Often, we reenact brokenness and failures of our developmental tasks of childhood in our relationships. As a couples therapist, I work to help couples get unstuck from old patterns and develop new potentialities for relationship and independence in their growth and development process.

As a pastoral counselor within a Christian tradition, I recognize the sacramental nature of marriage, something that leads to a deeper experience of the presence and grace of God. From this point of view, I believe that marriage leads to love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. I also believe that growth as Selves and neighbors (partners, community) is part of the nature of God’s creation.

As a pastoral counselor, I am committed to, and love to, work with couples and help them grow into the people and the family they are capable of becoming. It feels much like a farmer preparing the soil and watching the miracle of life and growth take hold.