“I’d pay not to go!”

I share that response with permission from the speaker. That response came during a clergy consultation group after I suggested the idea of a marriage weekend retreat for clergy. The idea spending focused intentional time, exploring and talking about our relationships repels us.

I don’t find their response surprising. David Scnarch in  Constructing the Sexual Crucible, argues that most people can’t tolerate very much intimacy. From my personal experience, I recognize my reluctance to look seriously at how I relate to my wife. I know when I honestly look at myself, I have to look at those things I do that have and do cause disappointment, hurt, and disconnection. I need to recognize her hurt and loneliness.  I have to face and acknowledge my shame and my loneliness.  I need to seek forgiveness and work towards reconciliation and reconnection. And when I do, I find great relief and great joy; incomprehensible joy and gratitude for her gift of love and connection.

In couples’ therapy, I work  to help couples restore their connections of love and affection so they too may find their experiences of joy and gratitude.

I wish we all were less like my clergy friends. I wish we were less fearful of intimacy. Don’t be afraid. Seek out a marriage enrichment group. Seek out a good couples’ therapist. Start a couples’ discussion group. Read a relationship book and share it with your partner (suggestion: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson).

.